Couple's Retirement Puzzle

Retirement Planning: If, When and How to Retire

This story illustrates how important it is for couples to be in sync regarding their retirement transition plans:

For years, Peter had commuted to work by train, traveling several hours a day back and forth. He was up at the crack of dawn and home after dark. Except for vacations and weekends, his time at home was limited. He was looking forward to retiring and being able to putter around the house, snowshoe in the woods and be out in nature.

Peter’s wife, Sandy, an artist, worked at home and volunteered in the community. Peter and Sandy had talked about his retirement transition and how it would affect their day-to-day lives. When Sandy’s friend Joan asked her how she felt about Peter being home all the time, she responded: “Twice the husband, half the income!”

The timing of retirement is usually based on financial considerations, such as savings, assets, Social Security, health insurance, retirement packages, and pensions. But for some couples, like Peter and Sandy, money is not the only factor. As roles and responsibilities change, other issues may become equally or more important in mid- to later life.

What you need and want in your fifties, sixties or seventies may be different from what was true earlier in your life. For instance, you may have less tolerance for a work situation that is no longer fulfilling your needs or one that is inconsistent with your values. And priorities may need to shift if your health and well-being are undermined.

How do couples begin to prioritize and make decisions about whether to retire, when to retire and how to retire? Is it better to retire separately or together? What if one of you does not want to continue working full time? What if you both want to retire, but you can’t afford to? Many couples who planned to retire early are finding that they need to work well into their seventies. You may not have a choice about whether to work, but there may be creative options for how to work and what you can do given your interests, experience and skills.

Having accurate information and facts and talking about how you feel will help you make decisions you’re able to live with. Whether you are in your fifties, sixties, or seventies, you need to think carefully about how you want to use your assets and resources. Hopefully you can still have fun and do the things that are important in your life, but be sure to consider the pros and cons so that you can make informed choices.

Set aside some time to discuss the questions above with your partner. You may be surprised at what your partner has to say.  Then, begin to brainstorm some creative solutions that will create a happy and satisfactory retirement for you both.

New "Couple's Retirement Puzzle" book featured in Wall St. Journal

The Couple's Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Transition to the Second Half of Life was recently mentioned on March 21, 2011, in an excellent WSJ article by Kathleen Hughes, "He Says Maine, She Says Florida: How Couples Navigate One of the Trickiest Retirement Issues: Where to Live." 

Hughes interviewed dozens of couples, therapists, educators and marriage counselors across the country. She spoke with Roberta Taylor and me about our book and our experiences with couples around this important issue. As Hughes pointed out in the article, "If any single tactic can ease the strains, it's to start the conversations early-years before actually retiring. Avoid the 11th hour bombshell at all costs. Starting the conversation early is a key in the process."

Here's one thing to remember for couples  -- if couples can begin to talk about the issues, they really do get to know what is important to each of them -- they can develop a shared vision. 

Also pointed out in the article is the notion that the resolution isn't always easy and takes time and many conversations.  Couples may reach compromises, create different timelines and sometimes agree to living in separate places at some point in their relationship. This later arrangement is referred to as  LAT, living apart together.  The issues of where to live is one of the "10 Must-Have Conversations for Transitioning to the Second Half of Life."

Our book is available on Amazon.com, BN.com and can be ordered from book stores. We encourage you to ask your libraries to order a copy.   Or, you can buy your copy of The Couple's Retirement Puzzle here directly from us.

We welcome your comments.

 

Retirement Planning: 6 Effective Ways to Start the Retirement Conversation

Here's a great story illustrating some very common communication issues that arise as couples begin to discuss retirement-related issues:

Tammy’s husband, William, was rushed to the hospital with chest pain that turned out to be a mild heart attack. After the initial shock, fear and, finally, relief, Tammy realized that if William had died, she would have been overwhelmed, not only by the grief of the loss but also by all the things they had not talked about.

She did not know anything about their portfolio of stocks, bonds and other assets, and had no idea where William kept their will and other important legal documents. Every time she tried to bring up the subject, William said that he was taking care of things.

Tammy was angry that her husband wasn’t responsive to her concerns Meanwhile, William didn’t understand why his wife was worried, and he tried to reassure her. Tammy wasn’t satisfied, but she didn’t know how to get William to understand her feelings.

Are you ready to start a conversation with your partner, but don’t know how to bring it up? One of the best ways to engage your partner is to let them know how you feel about an issue and ask for help in working toward a solution together. It opens the space for joint problem solving and minimizes defensive reactions.

For Tammy, frustration mounted when she felt William wasn’t listening to her concerns. If she started a conversation with him by saying, “You never listen to me when I talk,” William would probably become defensive, possibly even patronizing. But if she said, “I need to learn more about our portfolio so that if something happens to you I won’t be lost,” it’s more likely that William will be able to hear what Tammy is feeling and respond more positively to her request.

Here are a few steps you can take with your partner to open the communication valves so that you can effective discuss your retirement vision:

1.  Start the conversation with an agreed-upon topic. Set a time limit for the conversation, and agree to no blaming or shaming.

2.  Communicate clearly. Clear communication starts with using “I” in your statements rather than “you,” which can be interpreted as blaming.

3. Be a good listener.  Listening is an essential part of effective communication that takes skill, discipline and practice. Being a good listener is more difficult than you may think, but it is one of the best ways to show your partner that you want to hear what they are saying.

4.  Bring up difficult issues. Some issues are more difficult to bring up than others. When you have something on your mind, think about why it’s important to you, what you’re feeling and the pros and cons of discussing it with your partner.

5.  Importance of Compromise. Knowing how to compromise is an important communication skill. It’s not unusual for couples to have different viewpoints or areas of disagreement. Compromise is not about “right” or “wrong.” Instead of becoming polarized in a “win-lose” struggle, a “win-win” solution can be achieved when both partners are willing to make concessions for the good of the relationship.

6.  Engage in problem solving. Creative problem solving can be an opportunity for growth and sharing responsibility. It’s a way for couples to work together as a team to achieve positive outcomes and benefit the relationship.

Communicating effectively is probably the single most important factor that predicts successful relationships. When couples can talk together without blaming and without being reactive and defensive, chances are they will have conversations that result in more positive outcomes.

Retirement Planning: How to Communicate With Your Partner About Your Retirement Transition

It is not uncommon for couples to come away from a conversation about retirement with a completely different understanding of what was said. One reason may be related to differences in how men and women process information. Current brain research suggests that men process and use the logical, more rational left brain to solve problems and perform tasks. They tend to focus on solutions to “fix” the problem. Women, on the other hand, often approach problems more intuitively, from a relational and emotional perspective, using both the right and left sides of the brain. It is easy to see why it may be frustrating when couples are trying to communicate.

Cultural or societal expectations can play a role in communication difficulties, as well as a couple’s relationship issues, personality differences, and family dynamics. What often happens when couples are not in agreement is that one or the other, or both, will react rather than respond. If one or both partners come across as angry and defensive, it is easy for disagreements to erupt into arguments. With so many potential barriers, it is a wonder that couples find ways to talk together at all.

It Takes Good Communication

Good communication is the key to a strong, healthy relationship and to having a successful conversation about your retirement transition. Understanding the similarities and differences in how you and your partner process information, approach problems and make decisions can do a lot to help improve communication. Starting a conversation by talking about your feelings with a partner who uses logic to understand and solve problems can be a setup for disappointment and frustration. Likewise, explaining things logically to someone who is more intuitive and emotional can be frustrating for both of you. Learning to bring up issues in a way that your partner can hear and understand will make a big difference in your communication.

It can be easy to avoid difficult topics by being too busy, too tired or too afraid to bring things up because of past experience. Trying to talk together may seem futile. Could the problem be that you keep having the same conversation in the same old way, while expecting a different outcome? If this sounds familiar, you may be thinking, “Why bother?” But maybe what needs to change is how you have the conversation.

It does take a leap of faith to be open to learning a different way of communicating when you have been caught up in old patterns. Although we cannot guarantee the results, our experience tells us that trying a new approach can lead to a different outcome. Try a different approach with your partner today and see if you have a more productive conversation about your retirement plans.

Retirement Plans: What Will You Retire To?

With twenty or more years ahead, have you thought about what you’ll retire to? Several decades ago, you could have expected to live into your mid-seventies or eighties. Today, advances in medicine and technology—combined with living a healthy lifestyle and a little good luck—mean you can look forward to the possibility of living well into your eighties, nineties or even longer.

The Times, They Are a Changin'

As Bob Dylan once said, “The times they are a changin’.” We are in the midst of what is being called a longevity revolution. Seventy-eight million “baby boomers,” and many more on the older fringe, are pioneering a new life stage characterized by living and working longer, developing encore careers and taking advantage of opportunities for growth in the second half of life. The traditional notion of the “golden years,” with Social Security and a condo in Florida, is becoming a thing of the past.

In the 21st century, we are being challenged to redefine retirement and reinvent ourselves in order to live our version of “the good life”—having financial security, access to adequate health care, and enjoying a sense of meaning, purpose and belonging as we get older. We are experiencing personal change and questioning how to continue to grow as individuals and as couples in this new life stage. The question for each of us is, “How do I want to live the next part of my life?”

Redefining Retirement

If the notion of the “golden years” is no longer relevant, what do we need to be thinking about that will take its place, and how can couples plan for this together? “Retirement” is a concept that is in transition. It no longer reflects what people are experiencing or means what it used to, but it has yet to be re-defined. We use the word “retirement” for the sake of common language, rather than as a description of what individuals and society are experiencing. 

Although this time of life can be confusing, overwhelming, and scary, it can also be an opportunity for making choices about how you want to live the next part of your life. It does not necessarily mean not working. Many of us need to continue earning an income, and others choose to work because they love what they do. It is more about exploring the possibilities for living and working differently, whether that means full-time or part-time work or consulting, volunteering, developing an encore career, pursuing interests and hobbies, or something entirely different.

The goal for many people at this life stage is being able to fit work into life, rather than continuing to squeeze life into work. Still others, finally having time for leisure after so many years of hard work, may decide they do not want to work at all and opt for a more traditional retirement. The why, what, when, where, and how are specific to you.

Don't think of retirement as the end, but as a new beginning. Ultimately, what you are retiring to becomes more important than what you are retiring from.  As you transition to retirement, you can begin to let go of what is no longer necessary, while opening the space for creating what will come next.

The Couple's Retirement Puzzle Now for Sale!

You can now buy your own copy of The Couple's Retirement Puzzle directly from Amazon.com

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We hope you enjoy it!