Couple's Retirement Puzzle

Positive Aging Conference

Hi all--First of all, we want to wish everyone a very happy and healthy 2010. Roberta and I recently attended the Positive Aging Conference at Eckard College, St. Petersburg, Florida. We presented an overview of our model from our upcoming book: The Couples Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must-Have Conversations for Transitioning to the Second Half of Life. Our book will be available in October, 2010.

The model was well received and we're looking forward to providing training for professionals as well as workshops and support groups for couples. We have a new website for our book: www.couplesretirementpuzzle.com.  We hope you'll sign up for our emails and updates on the book as well as resources and tips. As 2010 begins we plan more active blog posts and welcome your questions, comments and ideas.

Many individulas set up resolutions for the new year. It's also helpful for couples to set up goals and resolutions--to be accomplished this year--but it's also helpful to set up both short term and longer term goals. For example, as a couple--what goals do you have for the next 30 days? 90 days? 6 months? 9 months? a year?  It's not unusal for people to aim for big goals that can't actually be accomplished so quickly. We advocate breaking the goals down into little steps. There's a great sense of mastery when you're able to accomplish one little goal/step  at a time. We'd love to hear some of the goals you've begun to craft together as a couple.  Take care.  Dori Mintzer

A Courageous Move

For several years they have  gone back and forth, literally and figuratively. Gary's heart is in their Vermont home which Linda also loves. But her friends, social and professional life are in Boston. Now that LInda is approaching 60 and Gary turning 65, the tipping point has been reached and they are in agreement; the time has come. The details need to be worked out but the plan is to be in Boston a few days each week seeing clients and spending time with friends and family. The majority of their time,  however, will be in Vermont. Linda and Gary are not retiring in the traditional sense, they are moving towards what's next. They both want more simplicity and freedom to explore deeper, more creative aspects of themselves. It means selling a home as well as letting go of the way things have been in order to open the space for something different. It is a courageous lifestyle change, which after years of discussion, compromise and negotiation, is finally happening.

Many couples face the dilemma of where to live and what kind of lifestyle they want. It's not a decision made overnight but one that usually results from many conversations before coming to agreement. This can  take time. It's never too soon to begin the conversation. Lifestyle change in retirement transition often requires exploration and planning in advance. Whether it's staying in your home, downsizing into a condo, living on a boat, or moving to another country. It's time to talk!

Role Models and More

Five couples came together to reflect on their journey of retirement transition. They ranged from 68 to 92 years young. With honesty, humility and humor they shared stories of joy and sorrow, vulnerability and resilience, success and disappointment,  and the impact of illness, disability, and loss. They were the last of the focus group series for the upcoming book, The Couples Retirement Puzzle: A Guide for Transitioning to the Second Half of Life that I'm writing with my friend and colleague, Dori Mintzer.

Stereotypes of elders were challenged as we listened to moving accounts of how hopes and dreams had been realized or reconciled. Dori and I felt privileged to be witnessing the telling of these inspiring stories. We heard about acceptance of life on life's terms; longevity; "it gives you more time to put the pieces of your life's puzzle together"; how spirituality deepens in midlife and career change can fulfill passions and dreams. For one woman being a wife and homemaker was  the most gratifying part of her life. Another started her own business at the ageof seventy six. An 82 year old man said the past ten years have been the most productive of his life.

The conversation could have lasted for hours. Several people commented that talking with their peers had been an enlivening experience and they wanted more. These wise elders, role models, mentors, and teachers generously shared the wisdom of their vast experience.

The group unanimously agreed that advice giving wasn't helpful but offered some of their thoughts about life:

• Helping others is the key to life
• Follow your heart
• The greatest gift is doing what you love and living your life purpose
• Retirement is not an ending
• Forget the word "no" when it comes to your spouse
• Go out and make new friends
• Plan for the unexpected
• Keep a balance in life
• Regrets are a waste of time
• Your memory will live on in the hearts of those who know and love you
• If you don't know how to play...learn

Wise elders need to be acknowledged. They are eager to share their stories and lessons learned to help guide and enrich our lives.

Communication Assessment for Couples

Are you and your partner on the same page when it comes to retirement or are you reading different books? This simple assessment will help you get a quick glimpse into how you each view your communication around some important topics.

Instructions: Do the assessment separately and then share your results.

Put a T after the statements you believe are True. Notice the areas that you may need to be talking more about.

1.  My partner and I make important decisions together.

2.  We agree on how to manage our finances and resources.

3.  We have planned our timetable for retirement.

4.  Conversations have included our hopes and dreams for the future.

5.  We spend time together doing things we both enjoy.

6.  We agree that we need to have time together as well as time apart.

7.  We have planned for our future medical and health care needs.

8.  Intimacy and affection are an important part of our relationship.

9.  We agree on obligations and responsibilities to family.

10. Social and community connections are a satisfying part of our lives.

Where do you fall on the scale below? How many T’s do you have in common? Remember, this is meant to be a helpful indicator for opening up communication. No blaming or shaming allowed!

10  Give each other a big hug. You’re ready to write the “How To” book for couples.
6-9  Sounds like you’re in synch. Ongoing communication is important as you plan for
         what’s next.
5-8    You’re on the right track. Practice listening to each other and sharing what’s important to you.
1-4    You’re not alone. Many couples need help talking about some of the important issues related to retirement and what’s next.

Let us know how you did.  Got questions?  Ask them here on the blog in the comments section.

Are you on the same financial team as your partner?

I was recently a guest on Kathleen Kingsbury's radio show, Chicks Make Cents on the topic, "Talking to Your Partner About Money."

Here are the highlights of my talk:

1.  Learn about your partner's money history. Yes it is difficult to talk about money in our society but in order to have a good marriage or partnership it is essential. With the recent economic turmoil, more and more people are discussing money matters so use this as an opportunity to talk to your loved one about his or her thoughts and feelings about money, what he or she was taught financially growing up and how these lessons influence current spending and saving behaviors. Here's a great question to start the conversation off on the right note. "What are you most proud of financially?" Yes, you can talk about the good parts of your relationship with money as well as the things you would like to change!

2.  Create and develop a shared vision. Couples go through changes and developmental patterns just like individuals do. Starting out you want to make sure you discuss money matters along with having children, living arrangements and the usual dating conversations. If you did not start out that way, no problem. It is never to late to have a "financial meeting" to start the process.

Create a vision of what you want your lives to look like now and in the future. Write this long term vision down and review it periodically. Having a shared vision around money and your life together as a couple will increase intimacy and allow you to find out more about your partner, his or her dreams and how you can live a wonderful life together. Remember that you do not need to agree on everything, you just need to respect each other's viewpoints.

3.  Agree to productive money conversations.  Here are a few tips on how to have a healthy conversation around money. Follow these tips and make sure you take a break if one or both you is unable to follow these guidelines.

• Use "I" statements. Start the conversation with "I am concerned about X, Y and Z," not "You did X, Y and Z." It may feel like a subtle difference but it will get both of you started off on the right foot. Respect each other and talk about your experience helps you not accuse your partner of wrong doing. And nobody likes to be put on the spot. Using "I" statements takes practice, but there is better time to start than today.
• Set ground rules. It is important to agree that you will not blame each other, that you will agree to disagree if needed and you will get some professional help from a money coach or therapist should you not be able to follow the rules. We all need help from an expert from time to time and a few meetings with a money coach can go a long way in getting two people back on track and on the same team.
• Set time aside. Life gets busy so you need to schedule "financial meetings" from time to time. Agree to a time to talk for 30 minutes about the topic of money and your couple hood and keep the appointment. If you have kids, make sure they are taken care of so you are not interrupted. These financial conversations make great excuses to get a babysitter and treat yourselves to dinner and movie once you are done.

You can listen to the full interview from 6/19/09 here on BlogTalk Radio .

Relish the transitions in your life-they will happen regardless

Most of us don't take messages in fortune cookies very seriously but can't resist them because every once in a while we find a gift. My husband and I had dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant last week. We were acknowledging the decision he made to retire from his most recent job. At the age of 68, he is looking forward to doing work that is more creative and fulfilling. The cookies and the check came and there it was, hidden away in that sweet, crunchy fold; "Relish the transitions in your life- they will happen regardless". Those words reminded us that this was indeed a transition which means letting go of what was to open the space for what's next. It reminded us that aging is a part of life with its own transitions and that having this moment in time is a gift indeed to be relished.

The Movie UP is a poignant and funny "must see" for all ages

I recently saw the Pixar movie UP with my son and husband --and recommend it for all ages. In its lovely, colorful, animated way it shows the journey of life from the innocence of childhood with its heroes and dreams to the second half of life with losses and disappointments.  We share in the dreams and sadness of childhood sweethearts, Ellie and Carl, as they grow old together. After Ellie dies, Carl, a 78 year old grumpy widower and former balloon salesman sets out to fulfill Ellie's dreams. In the journey that follows, in spite of himself, Carl becomes an "action hero" who has to confront his childood hero, connects with Russell (an Adventure Scout who wants to earn his badge by helping old people), Kevin, a colorful bird,  and Dug, a wonderful talking dog, and ultimately, finds his own connections and purpose and meaning for his life. I've over- simplified this, but it's well worth seeing! I'd love to hear your reactions once you've seen the movie.  

Planning for retirement improves the chances for a happy ending

Over a thousand people between the ages of 55 and 75 were recently polled by  AARP The Magazine to see how marriages were affected when one or both partners retired. The results indicated that 74 percent were happier in retirement, 21 percent reported that retirement led to increased tension. According to Features Editor, Gabrielle Redford, the percentage of those reporting increased tension would have been lower if those couples had planned for retirement.

When couples do plan for retirement decisions can be made jointly and there are fewer surprises.  Ironically, couples seem to spend more time planning vacations than they do planning the next part of their life.

Starting the Conversation

We often teach what we most need to learn. It occurred to me one day while preparing a talk for a speaking engagement that my husband and I had never seriously talked about "what's next". We did finally meet with our financial advisor to review "what's left" and that was a necessary, if not discouraging, reality check. But I talk with couples all the time about those "must have" conversations and know how important it is. So what were we avoiding? Disagreement! I've finally discovered my life's work which I love. After retiring several times he is ready to leave the corporate world, do something more creative and satisfying and spend more time together. He would like to live in California, I don't want to leave friends and family in New England. Lots to talk about and we're finally doing it. It's not always easy but we're working towards aligning our goals and vision. In the process we are learning more about "who" we are and what's important to each of us at this time in our lives.

Twice the Husband Half the Income

Twice the husband half the income

Transition around "retirement" can be be disruptive forcing couples to renegotiate aspects of life they've taken for granted. A friend who recently decided to transition out of his full time job, said to his wife, "well honey, twice the husband half the income". She immediately thought, "what about my space?". Couples face unanticipated challenges when work and life balance begin to shift. Have you and your partner talked about what you both want and need? How you can have the conversation so that it works for both of you?

Posted by: Roberta Taylor | 05/24/2009 at 12:40 PM

Welcome to our new blog

Bob Dylan was right-- times certainly are a-changing in many ways. This is especially true in regard to retirement issues and thinking about how to approach the second half of our life. Even the concept of retirement is changing--by choice or life circumstance. Hopefully we're all living longer and healthier and may choose to be in the work force in paid or unpaid work for a longer time. It's hard enough for an individual to make these decisions --and then becomes particularly challenging for couples. This blog is a chance to think together about the challenges couples face in preparing for this time of life. Have you begun to contemplate any of these issues? Have you started any of these conversations with your spouse or partner? We'd love to hear from you.